nickgrimshade: [salsa dances away from your shitty opinion]
store guy: /extensively stares at boobs
me: yes, hello, i'm here because my mobile's not working. also if you could please stop looking at my breasts?
store guy: oh my god i wasn't looking at your breasts! - i mean, that, too, but... /slowly unbuttons shirt
me: ... why are you taking your shirt off now
store guy: /dramatically opens shirt to reveal iron man tee
me: /looks down at her captain america tee
store guy: /happy seal-clapping
me: oh my god we match
store guy: if we can't repair your phone, you can be damn sure we'll avenge it!
i hate shaving my legs but I love having shaved legs u feel me
If this post gets 2000 notes by next weekend...
jklawls: unitethenerdz: jklawls: jklawls: So if this actually happens what should i tell my boyfriend? Suggestions anyone? I’ve decided 1000 was too easy. So I jacked it up a bit I AM her prom date….. TUMBLR WHYYYYYYYY!!!!????…. sorry love…. tumblr seems to think otherwise
kittylovesboo: im—really—weird: katorade27: if you want to kill someone stab them with an icicle because the icicle will melt and then there will be no murder weapon you are the future
imthejesusofsuburbia: the reason high school is so difficult is because ned never made a guide for anything past 8th grade
ejacutastic: i really fucking hate when i tell people about my problems and they try to make it into a fucking contest and one up me like congratulations you win at being a douchebag
subtweet: more tattoo artists need to just say “nah dude, i’m not doing that”
break up lines: I don’t ship us we’re my notp we’re no longer canon we’re canoff we’re cannot we can still be a brotp this ship is sinking it was just a social experiment
harrysthefather: my parents literally never gave me the sex talk they just sent me to public school
starksexual: i was at the bus stop with my sister the other day and for no apparent reason, she says: ‘dude, there are more dead people in the world than living people’ and the woman standing beside me whispered ‘holy shit’ and i fucking lost it
emilioestevez: story time so about 7 months ago, my girlfriend at the time asked me to move in. so i did and we lived together for roughly 6 weeks. she asked me to move out until i was mature enough to live with a girl because in those 6 weeks i drew a dick on her face while she was sleeping 11 times.
circumcisions: procrastinators are able to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in the 30 minutes before it’s due
gargoylesarecool: ectoghostologist: i love being tight with teachers because you get to hear them talk shit about other teachers its so funny they all act like highschoolers except they get paid They talk shit about other students if they like you enough too.
stillwatersofconsciousness: radish is a really accurate name for a vegetable because they’re pretty cool but they’re not that cool
youhadmefromhellodean: bobdeniros: mystolendoctor: deanvirginiawinchester: askomnomwaffle: kitchikishangout: iwillincendiotheheartoutofyou: iwillincendiotheheartoutofyou: What did Hitler say when someone told him to call an ambulance for Churchill? “Nein nein nein!” I did nazi that coming! Guys Cut out with the Nazi jokes It makes me führerious These jokes are childish,...
catpun: PEOPLE WHO THINK YOUR GRADES REFLECT YOUR INTELLIGENCE
robertoluongo: in grade 8 i did a power point presentation on “whooping cough” and my opening slide was a photo of whoopi goldberg coughing and i was the only person who laughed at it and i couldnt start the presentation for like five minutes because i was laughing too hard at my own joke